Date Breakdown: East Of Eli – “Child’s Play”

Welcome to the first Date Breakdown of the Single With A Press Release Fuck It Fuck Everything series: “Child’s Play” by East of Eli.

Now I know, I know I said it would only take me a week to review this one song, but there’s one thing I didn’t count on. And that one thing that I didn’t count on was. This song. Goddamn.

It’s. It’s…

Bad isn’t the word I would necessarily use. But out of necessity for a word, let’s go with: 

Bad.

Okay. Bad. But there are so many factors here, and overall it’s just depressing. Maybe that’s a better word.

Depressing.

Here’s the issue: What even is it?

I’ve been trying to answer that question for a while now and I’m still stumped. Dumb fiddled. This song has no identity.  

It starts with an awkward sample? Or maybe throwback to the ‘70s? Before it shifts into soulless pop that I fucking swear they think is swimming in sex. And soul.

Then it quickly turns to the designed for radio/ so unbelievably out of touch and out of place chorus that again is so devoid of humanity it must be a joke.

Then another “verse”. Then a seductive (haha) spoken word section that is brimming with gender stereotypes. (The whole song is laughably misogynistic). Wait. Could this be Chyler Leigh? Could this be THE Chyler Leigh promised in the press release? The press release that I absolutely asked for?

Then rap. Because that’s what the song was missing. Nailed it in 1. 

A little column A. Then a little column B. Fade out.

“Do you want me?”

Do I want you?

Hm. Let me think about that.

In a word…

No.

———————————————————————

Going on a blind date with a press release for East of Eli – “Child’s Play”:

Stay. Home. It’s not safe out there in the dating world.

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