BONUS BREAKDOWN: Ferrall On The Bench

I’ll just get right to it. I don’t know how Ferrall could have his voice without eating five packs of cigarettes a day and smoking an additional six since he left the womb. Maybe he smokes a pack out of his nose each day too. It’s really impressive. Really impressive. And really unbearably awful. I’m sure you have some questions, so I’ll ask them.

What is Ferrall On The Bench?

Ferrall On The Bench is a “call-in and talk about sports” program on CBS Sports Radio. Picture a bloated manatee that sounds like the octopus from Diddy Kong Racing without the bubble noises. In fact, just picture the octopus.   Does he actually look like that? No, of course not. Somehow he looks like a relatively normal guy. The voice doesn’t match. 

Do People Actually Call In?

Unbelievably, yes.

Surely To Mock His Voice

Astonishingly, no. Not even once in any of the clips I’ve listened to. They call, in fact, to talk about sports with a man many of them consider “a god”. Direct quote. Yes, this guy has an audience. And crazy fans.

Does He Do Anything God-Like?

Fuck no. He doesn’t even let his callers get a word in edge-wise. He insults their intelligence and they call back in, excited for more. In fact, his constant judging of other people makes him (at least sound like) a complete douche. It’s incredibly ironic how he went at lengths trash talking some sports player athlete guy (can’t remember who…sorry, I didn’t write it down and I don’t know anything about sports) for thinking he’s so much better than other people. Because all Ferrall does is shit talk people. 

So He Doesn’t Always Talk About Sports?

No, maybe half of the time. He takes long tangents about his mother in law, O’Reilly Auto-Parts (where he records apparently), and one time about harassing his wife in a supermarket. What a swell guy. But it makes it easier for me to judge him, because if it was all sports I’d be left with nothing to talk about but that nightmare of a voice. Let’s wrap this up.

Glad the Week Is Over?

My ears are over the moon. I’m listening while I type this up, and FUUUUCK. This is a music blog. I’m over this guy.

Going on a blind date with Ferrall On The Bench: